The Post I Thought I’d Never Get To Write
It’s an interesting thing being a blogger. While we share about our homes or crafts or decor or fashion or recipes or fitness (or whatever!) publicly on a near-daily basis, we have lives and stories that weave their way in and around the posts we share and always serve as a foundation for all we do…even if we never mention them. Each blogger shares their personal lives differently…some not at all, while others in every post…I try to land somewhere in the middle. Whenever there is big news in our life to share, I often spend hours on my runs, lying in bed, or driving in the car brainstorming ways to share the news with you all that feel authentic and true to me and our family yet entertaining and appropriate for the blog. I started brainstorming how we’d share this kind of special news so long ago, never imagining it would be years before I’d finally get to do so. And while the journey was far longer and more painful than we’d ever imagined and this post looks nothing like I thought it would all those years ago, I am over the moon to (finally!) share with you all some happy, happy news: Our family is expanding!!!
And now as I sit here to write this post…the one I’ve waited forever to write and rehearsed in my head thousands of times with thousands of variations…I don’t know what to say next! So I’ll start with the fun and easy part. We are expecting a Baby Boy on January 1st, and we ALL couldn’t be more elated! We have waited and prayed for this baby for years, and I even believed in the depths of my heart it would never happen. So I sit here and share this news with you all in joy, disbelief, wonder, relief and overwhelming gratitude.
Once upon a time I thought I would share every last detail of our 3-year journey to this baby. It was too hard for me to share (and especially talk about!) in real time…even with a majority of my friends and family. But I always thought “once and if it’s ever over,” then I will share every heart-aching moment, false hope, agonizing procedure, and feeling of despair Greg and I shared and endured together day in and day out as we journeyed to this baby. Strangely though, now that the “trying to conceive” part of our journey is over, it doesn’t feel necessary or even healthy for me to re-live it all again. And although I’m suddenly feeling coy on the details I once thought I’d shout from the rooftops, I do want to say this…
Wanting a child and not being able to have one is the most painful, heart-wrenching experience I have ever been through. Infertility is a complicated and exhausting mess of hormones and hopes, shots and skepticism, faith and frustration, companionship and confusion, doctors and despair. To do this day, I’ll never understand why it happened to us the way it did, or why our journey came to a happy end when so many others don’t. But I do know I am forever changed by it. Creating new life is truly a gift…one I will never take for granted and one I will be endlessly thankful I get to experience again.
Okay…so let me we wipe away all my tears and fill you in on some of the funner things you all might be wondering about!
How Are You Feeling?
I am almost 22 weeks in, and I am feeling pretty good! Thankfully, I didn’t experience any severe symptoms or morning sickness in the first trimester…just some exhaustion and crazy blood sugar control issues. The bigger problem for me has been the complete and utter loss of motivation and creativity. As a generally busy person who is always working on a project or at the very least futzing around the house, this was a strange and uncomfortable feeling. It was made all the worse by moving into a new house…which until very recently, I’ve had very little motivation and energy to work on (hence why moving in and new house posts are taking a bit longer than I’d like!) Thankfully, I have felt my old creative self reemerging in the last week…so I am optimistic things will pick up around here! Other than that, baby is moving and my belly is growing…making me one giddy Mama!
How Did You Tell Henry?
Henry has been asking for a baby brother for quite some time. We were never open about our journey with him, yet his asking (and praying for a baby brother at bedtime each night) certainly didn’t help the emotional intensity of it all. After everything we had been through, we wanted to be very sure all was good before we told him he’d be a big brother. When we arrived in San Diego, he came with us to my 13 week appointment. During the ultrasound, we told the Dr that if everything looked okay, to go ahead and show and tell Henry. The doctor showed Henry that there was indeed a baby in Mommy’s belly, and I don’t think he has stopped talking about it since. Seriously. He is absolutely thrilled, and seeing his pure elation has made this experience all the more incredible.
How Do You Feel About Another Boy?
Thrilled! As you can probably guess, we would have been elated with either a boy or a girl…but we have always really loved the idea of Henry having a little brother. I had a very strong sense the baby was a boy because I felt pretty much exactly as I did with Henry all those years ago (from what I can remember, at least!), so I wasn’t at all shocked when we found out. Not only am I very content being a Boy Mom, but we didn’t get rid of a single thing from Henry! It sure is nice to finally bring all the baby boy stuff back into the house!
How Many Years Will They Be Apart?
The boys will be just shy of 6 years apart. That was certainly not our intention or our “plan.” Somewhere along the way though, I had to let go of worrying about the age gap. We just knew our family didn’t feel complete and we’d take another baby whenever it came. It will certainly be an adjustment to enter back into baby-hood all these years later, but it will be nice to have Henry as a true helper!
So…Ummm…What Finally Worked?
I know as Greg and I journeyed along the path of infertility, I drank up every single “success story,” I could find…trying to find others who had similar health profiles as mine and Greg’s and were ultimately successful. And while these stories gave me hope, I also distinctly remember the stinging pain we’d feel when new things didn’t work after clinging to them with such hope and optimism. It became very clear that conceiving is a tricky, complicated, and uncertain business…and even the best doctors don’t know why some things work while others don’t. I am reluctant to say “do this, ” or “try that,” because everyone’s situation is just so different.
That said…for inquiring minds…we don’t really know what finally worked. We reached a point where were emotionally and physically drained from years of various treatments and procedures so we walked away from it all. I had started acupuncture about 6 weeks earlier (the last thing we were going to try before giving up for good), and we decided that sticking with those sessions wouldn’t hurt (Ha! Punny!). 4 weeks later, we were pregnant. Did it finally work because of the acupuncture? Or because we walked away from intense treatments? Or because it was “our time” or “God’s plan”? Who knows. Like I said…it’s a complicated and uncertain business. What I do know is that you have to trust your gut and do what feels right for the moment/phase you’re in…no matter the science, the statistics, the success stories, or your beliefs.
What Does This Mean for the Blog?
Admittedly, when we found out we were moving to San Diego (where all of my professional connections are) and knowing that Henry was heading into Kindergarten, I was preparing to revert the blog back to a hobby blog and get a full-time job. When we found out a baby was really on the way, my return-to-work plans were (happily) put on hold. All that to say, the blog isn’t going anywhere!! It will continue to be my primary form of work and income for at least the next year or so. My transition into motherhood with Henry was a bit rocky, and the blog became an important creative, social and professional outlet for me in the early years. I know I will need the same outlet this time around, so I am excited to have the opportunity to continue to work at it and grow it with baby boy in tow!
However…I will say that I don’t know what writing a blog with a newborn will be like (since I started the blog after Henry was born). Already, I’m finding a slow down in my production since I am pretty much useless after 8pm (which is when I used to do all my photo editing and writing). Having Henry in school all day, every day will certainly allow me to get ahead (hopefully!), but I appreciate your patience as we navigate this next chapter as a family!
Does This Mean We Get to Watch a Nursery Transformation?
Nurseries/kid rooms are among my favorite to work on, so you better bet I am excited to tackle another nursery (which will be the “spare bedroom” upstairs on our home tour!). I have a ton of lessons learned from Henry’s nursery and have already started to collect some ideas. I have no solid direction yet, but you better believe it will all be documented for you here!
It’s been an interesting dynamic to create, document and write about all sorts of pretty things here on the blog while we were struggling with this heavy and hard journey behind-the-scenes. I knew somehow, someday I’d address this part of our life here on the blog…but I genuinely believed I’d never get to write the “We’re Expecting a Baby” post I dreamed about all those years ago. I’m not sure any words I could type out would do our journey or current joy true justice, but I am thankful to have this outlet to at least try. I am thankful to you all for giving me the time and space to share this side of our lives and am excited to go through this next chapter with you all. For those few friends and family (you know who you are) who offered ears to listen, shoulders to cry on, and hope when I was truly hopeless, you will forever be a part of our journey and I’m beyond thankful for your companionship. And to any friends or readers who are yearning for a baby of your own, I know your pain and heartache well. You are on my heart and I will never stop praying for you.