Helping Your (Senior) Parents Declutter | My Real Life Tips!

I recently returned from a (long) week helping my elderly father relocate. And despite “downsizing” him into a retirement community about 10 years ago after my mother’s death, there was still significant decluttering to be done in order to move him into a slightly-smaller-but-more-accessible apartment. The week was, quite frankly, exhausting on every level…as helping elderly parents deal with a lifetime of accumulation can be frustrating, emotional, and stressful. I’m sharing some of the tips, tricks, and lessons I learned from this experience so that anyone heading into a similar experience can navigate it (perhaps a bit better than I did).

Real Life Story

Ten years ago, when my mother passed away, my three siblings and I commenced a many-months-long effort to downsize my father out of my (large and cluttered) childhood home into a two-bedroom, single-level house. So much of that decluttering was emotional and painful because it was mostly my mother’s possessions. But while we were tremendously sad, there was precious little fighting about what to keep (or not) because so much of it was hers.

As my father has continued to age, it became apparent in recent months that he needed to relocate to a more accessible unit within the same senior living community. And so, as I mentioned here, my siblings and I have been taking weekend “shifts” to prepare him for a smooth transition into his new space.

Not only was some decluttering required in order for him to fit into his slightly smaller condo, but we also saw this as an opportunity to refresh his space and rid it of the unnecessary accumulation he’s made over the last 10 years. This time however, the decluttering was much more personal since it’s all his own belongings; and with that, came much more difficult conversations and decisions.

In short, his moving week was long and challenging on many levels, pushing our bodies and our relationships (potentially) a little too far. While he is now (mostly) comfortable in his new living situation, I look back on the week, both proud of our decluttering successes, but also a bit sad and embarrassed at some of the emotional and personal challenges we had to navigate (not always gracefully).

If you have an elderly parent (or someone in your life) who needs to downsize but is particularly attached to their belongings too, here are the strategies I found most helpful, as well as some that weren’t helpful at all!

Things That Help When Helping Seniors Declutter

Capitalizing on Life Changes

Just as it was easier to get rid of  my mother’s items because she was no longer with us, it becomes much easier to convince people to let go of things when there is truly no need. Changes in both environment and ability can allow even the most stubborn of people to acknowledge they don’t need certain items, and I recommend embracing and emphasizing these changes as much as possible. By far, my father losing his garage, front porch, and patio allowed us to get rid of a lot of his accumulation without much trouble.

Environment

Downsizing, losing certain rooms (e.g., garages, attics, sheds, porches, offices, basement, etc), or changing climates can help people get rid of associated items.

• Moving from the cold to the dessert? No need for the snow shovel or all the winter gear.
• Moving from a house with a deck to an apartment with no outdoor space? No need for outdoor flags, patio furniture, yard work equipment, or holiday lights/decor.
• Losing an office? Time to figure out different options for computers, printers, files, etc.

Abilities

As people age, they lose the ability to participate in certain hobbies such as sports (e.g., golf, tennis), recreation (e.g., bike riding, hiking), and even driving. Once a person accepts it is no longer safe or possible to do these things, they are usually much more willing to let go of the associated gear, as well.

Presenting Items for Decision

Asking our father to go through a closet or drawer in our absence (between visits) did not yield nearly the downsizing results we needed. Like a lot of us, he’d open said drawer, look around a bit, pull out one or two items, and declare it done. Very rarely did he give anything a real hard look or consideration.

Instead, we had much better “toss rates” when we held up each and every item for his decision. Yes, we emptied every drawer, closet, shelf, and file and presented items, one at a time, to him. (You better bet it was exhausting…for all of us.)

This approach was helpful for several reasons:

• By presenting each item, every single thing was given true consideration, whether he wanted to give it or not.
• Doing it together allowed us to push back when we sensed his decisions were lazily or hastily made.
• It forced him to truly confront the volume of items he owned. As he fatigued with the decisions, they became easier to make.

Giving Time

Quite frequently, there were some surprising items our father really pushed back on. While these items were clearly trash to us, he inexplicably wanted to keep them and wouldn’t budge with gentle prompting.

After learning that escalating into anger or judgement yielded the opposite results, we switched to setting these items aside (either for later discussion or to be put in the storage unit). Not every time, but often, he would circle back and realize he truly didn’t need the item(s) after all.

If you’re finding that your rational arguments for getting rid of something (e.g., space, condition, need) aren’t working, I recommend giving it time. While you can’t do this with everything, you might be surprised what they eventually come around on with time and perspective.

Acting on Decisions Quickly

That said, once the person you are helping (finally) makes a “toss” decision, move the item out of the physical space as soon as possible. Letting items remain in place or sit in visible piles will give them an opportunity to reconsider and possibly even change their mind (especially if the decision was a hard one). Instead of making piles, keep large trash bags and sturdy boxes on hand and move large items into cars or trash cans right away.

Tossing Trash

If your elderly relative has been in their home for any length of time, there is probably a fair accumulation of trash. Dead plants; expired foods and medications; old mail, magazines, and newspapers; outdated files; faded artwork; items needing repairs; and on and on and on. These things are much easier for people to justify getting rid of because…well…they are trash!

If you find yourself in a stalemate-type situation (where the person doesn’t want to get rid of anything), starting with trash is usually a safe bet. Plus, after you get a few bags full of trash out, decluttering progress is often visible, which can then get the person onboard with making harder decisions.

Identifying Acceptable New Homes

One of the biggest obstacles you will likely face is getting seniors to let go of good-quality, still-usable, and/or high-value items. Even if our father could acknowledge he didn’t need or want something, he often felt unsettled by just donating it. However, when we could find family, friends, worthy organizations, online auctions, estate sales, or consignment shops to accept the items, he was much more comfortable letting go.

If your elder has acknowledged they don’t need something but still won’t let it go, do some diligent research on other options before you “heartlessly” drag it off to the donation center.

Acknowledging the Generation Gap

At 85 years old and coming from very modest means, my father is firmly in the “keep everything” generation. To him, everything was hard earned, everything has value, and tossing such items is both wasteful and unnecessary.

At 43 years old, I am much more from a “disposable” generation. If I haven’t touched it, worn it, or used it in a year or so, then I no longer need it. Regardless of how much it cost me or how good of quality it is still in.

I’m not sure either of these attitudes toward stuff is particularly “right,” but it certainly put us quite far apart on the decluttering spectrum.

While there is no easy way to navigate these fundamental differences in ideology, acknowledging this disparity when it exists can help keep perspective when tensions rise.

Accepting Their Preferences

Without a doubt, this one was (is!) the hardest for me. As you might expect, I prefer a fairly low level of clutter in my homes and have learned the value of living with less. So I was considerably “intolerant” when my father wanted to keep items that were either ugly or excessive. But he saw it quite differently. To him, these items weren’t clutter, but rather cherished possessions of a life well lived that he wanted to not just keep but also display!

I ultimately had to just let it go and accept that this was his home. And if he was comfortable with a certain level of stuff on the shelves, in the drawers, and on the walls, so be it. It’s not my place to force my preferences.

This shift in attitude requires a huge gulp in pride and acceptance (one I maybe haven’t yet fully swallowed down), but the sooner you realize this, the more content you will likely be after all is said and done.

Things That Don’t Help When Helping Seniors Declutter

Pressing Decisions

Without a doubt, there is value in pressing…gently…on your elderly family member to make difficult decisions. Especially if they say “keep” to every last thing you hold up. Oftentimes, with a gentle, “do you really need to keep this?” or “tell me why you want to keep this,” they will shift their position.

However, if they don’t come around after a few exchanges, drop it. Escalating and threatening will undermine your progress by raising stress levels and eroding trust; and sometimes, as was the case with my Dad, they will just buckle down even more. Gentle pressure is helpful, bullying is not.

Tossing Without Their Knowledge

It can be tempting to believe that older adults don’t really know what they own in the deep depths of their closets and drawers and crawl spaces (and for some, that very may well be true.) So it can certainly be tempting to just start tossing stuff without their knowledge or consent. But based on my own experiences, I really don’t recommend this approach if you can avoid it.

Because of sheer volume, I definitely found myself tossing some things of Dad’s that I really didn’t think were up for debate (or I just wasn’t up for the fight). But almost every single time, he asked about the items I tossed. And, every single time, I had to own up to the fact that I got rid of them without asking.

While we never got to the point where I had to go dig something out of the trash or donation bin, what it did do was erode his trust in me. He became defensive and protective over his belongings because he viewed me as sneaky and untrustworthy. While I initially saw this approach as a more efficient means to getting through particular spaces, it ultimately undermined our progress as a whole.

Judging

No one likes to be told that their clothes or belongings or home are ugly, cluttered, or dysfunctional. Even if they are. And even if you are the kind of family who can say anything to each other, these thoughts aren’t particularly helpful when everyone is stressed, tired, and emotional. If possible, check your judgement at the door and try to meet your family member where they are in terms of choices, motivation, expectations, preferences, and energy.

Expecting Perfection

There are a lot of battles that my siblings and I waged with my Dad that we did not win. At the end of the moving process, he still has too much stuff and more work (eventually) lays ahead of us.

But he also got rid of a lot. We pushed him hard and he responded in turn, agreeing to move on from certain stages of life, memories, and belongings.

At least based on my own experience, you will not get your elderly parents to get rid of every last thing you want them to. So decrease your expectations of perfection and take every and any “toss” victory you can get!

If my advice here gives the impression that decluttering with my Dad was a fairly traumatic experience, you’d be right. Because a lot of these lessons are now learned because I didn’t employ them and should have.

While the downsizing process can be so beneficial for our senior parents (in terms of cleanliness, safety, security, quality of life, etc), it can also be a really emotionally challenging experience for them. As a young(ish), feisty woman who has no problems tackling clutter head on, it was humbling to see that not everyone views stuff and clutter and excess the same way; and to acknowledge that my usual methods required bending so that we could make actual progress with our familial relationships in tact.

Helping elderly parents is not for the faint of heart; and if you find yourself in a similar position, I hope these downsizing tips help you harness all the grace and patience possible…because you’ll need it (as well as a HUGE box of trash bags)!