Coffee Break #52
Happy March, my friends! In this month’s Coffee Break chat, I am journeying down a familiar path I never expected to revisit, sharing the surprisingly simple way we’re dealing with some child behavior problems, and rounding up a few of my recent favorite finds! Take a break with me!
Deja Vu
Ten years ago, right around this exact same time, I was living just 2 miles away from where I live right now. In fact, I drive by our old house on an almost-daily basis. Greg was deployed, and my Mom had just passed away. As a result, I was making countless trips up to Virginia to help my Dad and siblings clean out and move out of my childhood home.
I know many of you have been around since that time; and so you may recall the countless reflections I shared here on the blog about dealing with an excessive amount of stuff; how to deal with elderly parents who don’t want to let go of said stuff; how to sell craft supplies, how to run your own “estate” sale, and on and on.
At the time, the sheer amount of stuff in my parents’ home (and the consequences of dealing with it all) was eye-opening and transformative. It caused me to explore my own relationship with stuff; I worked tirelessly to purge our own home; I read countless books on clutter and became a self-proclaimed decluttering “expert”; I even gave up all shopping for Lent two years in a row.
At the end of this time, not only was my Dad set up in his new smaller and less-cluttered space, but I too felt as though I had gone through a “once and for all” transformation. Never again would I have to deal with his stuff or my stuff in such an overwhelming, all-consuming way.
How does that phrase go, again?? “Never say never” or something like that? Ha.
As my Dad ages, it’s become increasingly apparent that he needs to transition to an even more elderly-friendly space. And after a period of collective hemming and hawing (by him and my siblings together), the rotations back to Virginia have re-started.
Because in those 10 short years, he’s…again…filled that tiny home with more stuff than he needs. There are boxes and piles and papers (and so much more!) that started as simple and benign but have now grown to overwhelming and problematic.
And just like 10 years ago, he is physically and emotionally unable to handle it all on his own, so the troops (aka: my family) are being rallied once again.
And so…all these years later…I find myself in what feels like the exact same place. I’m spending long weekends driving from Camp Lejeune to Virginia to declutter so much excess in my Dad’s home while RE-confronting the larger, heavier questions of stuff, consumption, clutter, needs/wants, burden, and more.
While I am (quite frankly) mad and frustrated that my Dad didn’t fully learn his lesson regarding the accumulation of stuff (and my siblings and I are again carrying the burden of dealing with it), I’m even more so frustrated and embarrassed that I’ve seemingly forgotten some of my own awakenings from a decade ago. Because when I look around my own home…I see my Mom and Dad’s overconsumption habits in me.
And so here we go again…
I’ve hinted that big changes are coming to my family and my home this coming summer. And while I’m still not quite ready to spill all the beans, this deja vu experience is providing even more motivation to embrace the changes I’ve long suspected are needed for myself and my family. I just hope these lessons stick the second time around!
Alllllll the Behavior Charts
I always have to laugh at the little things you dedicated readers notice when I share pictures of my home. Something that is an obscure, minute detail to me catches (many of) your eyes.
So I really shouldn’t have been surprised (although I am a bit) by the amount of questions I received about this photo I shared in a recent Sunday Short…
While I was talking about how helpful these unassuming little magnetic clips have been in getting paperwork off our kitchen counters, what some of you really wanted to know about was our son’s behavior chart under the J clip.
Why are we using it? How is it working? What does he earn for all those stars?
Well…let me tell you!
To say that our youngest child, now 4.5, is “spirited” and a “handful” would be an understatement. Shame on me for thinking I have this “Boy Mom” thing figured out, as he challenges us and keeps us on our toes on a minute-by-minute basis. Yes, we adore him to pieces. But he’s… a lot.
Around Halloween, we started experiencing some pretty significant behavior challenges that were new for him and very new to us (as in, we’d never experienced them with our older two sons). What then commenced was a still-ongoing endeavor to manage these behaviors, motivate him to change them, and restore some peace and sanity to our household.
We’ve made some very significant progress, and the key has actually been this behavior chart!
On the advice of a friend who is a special education teacher, I quickly (and quite desperately) whipped up a (very basic) star chart that focuses on just one of the behaviors we need to change. It’s fairly self-explanatory:
- Each day he does the desired behavior, he gets a star.
- Once three stars are earned, he gets to pick a prize from our prize bucket.
- The length of the desired behaviors extends to 5 days, 7 days, 10 days, etc…always earning a prize at each milestone.
Our first goal was “Staying in bed through the entire night.” By the time we reached 20 days in a row, we no longer needed the chart because the desired behavior was achieved (yay for solid nights of sleep!)
Now, we’re working on “No throwing toys when we’re angry.” He’s earned three prizes so far and is working on his 10-day stretch (see above). The next one we’ll be implementing is “No bad words when we’re angry!”
I am about the farthest thing from a child development expert, but I think we’ve had some success with these charts for a few specific reasons:
- These charts are focused on one behavior at a time. Yes, it’s taking time and patience working through all the various behaviors we need to fix, but we’re making clear, actual progress by working on one at a time.
- These charts are easy to understand and uncomplicated to maintain. Every day, we quickly check-in and use a nearby marker to give him his star. No magnets, no stickers. Quick, simple, effective.
- He responds to it. Our kiddo is the kind of kid who understands the chart, is motivated by the prizes, and holds us very accountable to giving him his star. Finding the right motivation for your particular child is key!
This chart isn’t quite “printable” ready but I’ll try to get some formatted for the Toolbox soon!
Recent Favorite Finds
PSA: As I slowly start to re-calibrate the narrative surrounding “stuff” here on the blog, I find myself walking a tricky line. While I like to share items I truly, genuinely love (because they make my life/home/family better, easier, or prettier), I also do not want to promote or urge unnecessary consumption. Know that I’ve done my own reflections before purchasing the items below and always recommend doing your own want/need check-in before clicking “buy” 🙂
Doodle Boards
Our younger two kiddos are BIG into drawing and coloring. And since they get dragged along to lots of events and outings, we wanted a quick and easy way to keep them entertained. We love these light, mess-free, durable all-in-one doodle boards; so much that they are now a permanent item in my purse!
Travel Backpack
Our kids are (finally!) at an age where they can carry their own bags while traveling. Since most of our trips are short, we invested in travel backpacks for every family member, all in different colors so we can tell them apart. I am LOVING not packing the entire family into one, big, messy, heavy suitcase; and each person can now pack and carry their own stuff!
Owala Water Bottles
Tired of a bunch of random, mis-matched, leaky water bottles all over the kitchen, each family member recently got a brand new water bottle (also different colors so we can tell them apart). These bottles totally live up to the hype. We love their design and unique sipping mechanism. Just be sure to get the 24 oz version so they easily fit into cup holders!
3×5″ Cellophane Bags
One of the hardest parts of class Valentines is figuring out how to package them up so that they are easy to deliver. Instead of relying on staples, glue, bands, twist-ties, envelopes, etc, I instead bought these 3×5″ self-sealing bags. Talk about a solution I wish I had tried sooner! Not only are they the perfect size to hold printed Valentines, but they can be filled with candy, toys, etc and then sealed right up. This will be my go-to for all class Valentines from now on!
Ask Megan
You guys always ask the greatest questions, and I love answering them! If you have any topics or questions you’d love to see me cover, submit them via the (anonymous) form below.
Thanks for catching up with me this month!
Megan
7 Comments on “Coffee Break #52”
I’m so sorry you and your siblings are going thru this (again!) with your Dad. The amount of “stuff” in our lives is something I think that we just have to be constantly fighting in today’s world. My parents spent the first 15 years of their married life moving every couple years in the military (forced decluttering!) but my Dad was RIF’ed and now they have been in the same house for almost 30 years. They recently embarked on a project to remodel their kitchen and replace flooring in the main level and carpet upstairs so almost everything in their entire house had to be touched. I’ve moved most of my stuff out since I graduated college 18 years ago, but I still received a steady stream of pictures asking if I wanted this or that or if I knew what something was! I am so proud of the hard work they have done and it’s really made me want to clean out my own nooks and crannies. To make this actually happen this year, I identified 50 areas of my home (some as small as a single drawer or shelf) to go thru, with the aim of doing one a week. It’s going well so far and I hope to tackle my basement in 2025. And then maybe start all over? Ha!
We also had (have!) challenges with our youngest. Life got a lot better when he could understand the connection between his actions and consequences (probably around 4/5) and tie behavior to screen time rewards etc. But even at 7.5, we still have to be mindful and consistent with routines/sleep/hunger/not asking too much and he’s mostly pretty good but occasionally out of the blue something unforseen will throw him off and he’ll have a meltdown. We just marvel how two kids in the same house with the same parents can be so different! I’m glad you are finding some solutions and I hope you continue to have success!
It’s funny that after two kids we think we’ve “got it”. Then the next one/two come and prove … no, we don’t.
Moving a parent is never easy and disposing of the hubris accumulated …. not again!?
I feel for my kids as I look around my apartment and I try to contain my enthusiasm for doing things! At least I know my fabric stash and associated items will not go to waste because my kids and grands are also into quilting/sewing.
Your stars reminded me of a system I implemented based on something my child’s school did. They had a discipline system that involved “pulling a card” which was punitive and the accumulation of these demerits went on the behavior portion of the report card. It was embarrassing to the child. Once my daughter’s friend was trying to open a juice box, unsuccessfully, and asked my child for help. So far, all was okay until my daughter squeezed it too hard and it spewed all over and she got the blame. It so infuriated me I protested it to the principal. I argued she was being helpful and it was an accident. I failed. It was the only black mark in her deportment score in 3 years. I added that fact to my futile arguement as well. This was not a problem child or a repeat offender. It demoralized her. So as a remediation of sorts I created my own card system. I got a little shoe bag and made cards with rewards. Every card was a partial reward for things well done. I don’t remember all of them but one was clean the toothpaste smears from the bathroom sink. And there was flush the toilet if there is residue remaining. Plus the usual stuff like no shoes not in closet, bed made before breakfast, clothes like pjs hung on hooks etc. An accumulation of cards resulted in being able to obtain a book in a series she was reading. We had no screen time rewards as those didn’t exist back then. We had a black and white tv with three channels and rabbit ears. That’s just how it was in the 70s. No cable, a dial phone, no internet, none of that stuff. So our rewards were tailored to the times. I’m not sure what I’d do today in a paperless world.
I love it when people I follow share things, like products, that work for them and the why. It helps me to think through what I might want to actually share with someone and my why. And often I find good things and reasons to try something. Like the valentine bags. So smart. I would use them all the time. And my kid would probably steal some to use. And the doodle boards. My kids are older, but I still think those would be nice to have around. Church and car drivers are some ideas I can think of. I’ll have to snag some.
I think sometimes we want to change all the things that aren’t the best habits. And regardless of age, focusing on one habit at a time is the best idea. Get good at that one habit, and then add a new one. Less overwhelming and less anxiety that we can’t do all the things at once.
And I feel the parents and house and decluttering. My mom probably thinks I’m rude, I told her I would rather burn the house down that have to clean it out. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and one we learn over and over. Good luck!
Hi! It sounds like you’ve developed a good system for your little guy and that’s great! As a speech-language pathologist, I was wondering if adults are “giving him words” to express his anger and allow him to express himself appropriately. Eliminating inappropriate behavior without replacing it with an appropriate behavior will lead to a child figuring out another way to “express” his/her anger–usually with another inappropriate behavior.
Best wishes!
Hi Barb,
thank you very much for that insight / reminder!
And thank you Megan for your openness. Best of luck to your family.
Well, for what it’s worth, I’m also still working on the “no bad words when we’re angry” thing, too. 😉
Sending prayers for you and your family! You are doing your best to raise good, strong, boys, and I totally support you! The world doesn’t have enough and actually needs more of them.
Keeping you and your family in my prayers. <3