Coffee Break #57 | Moving Our Military Kids

Since revealing that our most recent move is yet another one-year assignment, I’ve gotten a lot of questions about our kids…specifically, how they handle our frequent moves as part of a military family. So for this month’s behind-the-blog break, I’m diving into those questions and sharing how our kids are doing (they’re just fine!), what the hardest part of moving them is (saying goodbye to friends!), and how they feel about it all (better than you might think!) Whether you were a military kid, have military kids, or are curious about military kids, I think there’s something here for everyone. Let’s talk about it!

I feel compelled to start this post a bit on the defense by saying that if we thought our military lifestyle was damaging our kids, we wouldn’t do it. We truly believe (and reasearch backs us up) that the perpetual change kids experience through military life cultivates lifelong skills of resiliency, adaptability, flexibility, and openness to change.

That’s not to say that we don’t experience educational, social, and behavioral setbacks as a result of so much moving, but more so that we believe the positive aspects of our frequent relocations outweigh (or at least equal) these challenges.

Greg and I have always agreed that, if at any time, our moves became an outsized burden on our children, we’d stop. So far though, we’ve watched our kids continue to flourish within this lifestyle and rise to every challenge they’ve been presented with so far.

The Younger They Are

At least in our experience, the younger the child is, the easier they are to move. Not necessarily from a packing perspective (because the younger kiddos tend to have more stuff!), but from the emotional and social standpoint.

Younger kids have shorter memories, can’t quite conceptualize the unknown of the future, and tend to have an easier time making new friends. It doesn’t take long (at all) for our younger two boys (ages 5 and 7) to transition from “I really miss _____” to “Meet my new best friend, _____!” Within weeks, our past life, house, friends, school are a distant memory and they are all in on our new life.

However, the same is not quite true for our older son (now 13). For most of his life, he exhibited that same carefree willingness to embrace a new life every few years. But he’s now at an age where he’s much more aware of what a move means, and he’s much more connected to the things in his life (i.e., friends, school, scouts, sports). So far, he still sees each move as an adventure full of new opportunities, but he admits that starting over…over and over again…is getting a little old.

While he still very much wears his “7 moves and 6 schools in 13 years” as a badge of honor, I can sense that we’re moving into unchartered territory with him (emotionally, socially, academically). Making friends, getting onto sports teams, figuring out the dynamics of a new school, new teachers, new neighborhood…none of it comes quite as easily at this age, and the cracks in his military child “armor” are starting to show ever so slightly.

While we’ve always been able to pick up our kids and move them without much worry, he’s now at an age where we are aware of and concerned about minimizing his academic and social disruption as much as possible.

Military Bases & Towns

One thing that, no doubt, makes moving a bit easier on the kids is that we (almost always) move onto military bases (or at least, into military towns) where there are lots of military kids. Not only does this mean that the communities themselves (including the people, schools, sports, medical care, neighborhoods) are used to a constant ebb and flow of new kids, but it also means that our kids are usually surrounded by others “just like them.”

Being the “new kid” isn’t so scary when there are lots of new kids in the class. And it’s not weird or intimidating to befriend a new kid because they remember being “new” just the year before.

In the same way that I have an instant bond with a fellow military spouse who I’ve never met simply because of our shared experiences, our kids have that same connection with other military kids. (When I say our kids go from “just met” to “besties” in a matter of days, I really mean it.) Over and over again, we have witnessed a somewhat indescribable connection, understanding, and acceptance among military children…our own and all the others we’ve met along our journey.

But what about when we don’t move onto a military base or into a town/neighborhood with a heavy military presence? We’ve really only experienced this situation one time since having kids, and we did find it much harder (for the family as a whole) to integrate. Some people can be wary of our presence (knowing that we’ll pick up and leave within a few years) and some neighborhoods/schools aren’t quite as accustomed to having new faces around.

While it’s not impossible to feel “at home” in these communities, we’ve learned that it’s much easier to transition in/out of military-centric areas. As such, we’ve become more intentional in recent years about seeking assignments that put us (and more importantly, our kids) amongst “our own.” In other words: we have much more confidence in our kids’ abilities to transition, regardless of age or location, when we move onto a military base (or the surrounding area).

How Our Kids Feel About Moving

Our kids have only ever known moving. For their entire lives, we have never lived anywhere longer than 3 years. Moving somewhere new (or even back to somewhere we’ve been) doesn’t come as a shock to them at all. In fact, it’s not usual for us to know when we’re moving out before we even move in!

As such, our kids are not even the smallest bit surprised when we tell them it’s time to move again. Yes, the locations and timing can catch us off guard, and sometimes the kids will be more/less excited than the times before. But it’s become such a normal part of their lives that they aren’t really phased by it. This is who we are, this is what we do.

As I’ve been writing this post though, I began wondering if I was making some assumptions about how our kids really feel about our lifestyle (“Of course, they don’t mind it!”) So I decided to ask them. Surprisingly…or maybe not…my 7 and 13 year olds gave almost the exact same answer…and it’s the answer I’d give too.

• My 7 year old: “It’s fun to move somewhere new, but I miss our old friends.”
• My 13 year old: “I like getting to experience new places, but I miss my old friends.”
• Me: “I like exploring new/different parts of the world, but I really miss my old friends.”

In a nutshell, we all very much see moving as an opportunity…to see new places, try new things, have a different house, be in a different school system, and most importantly: meet new people. While there are certainly times when we’ve been “ready” to go, none of us like saying goodbye to the friends who…more often than not…become our family.

There’s not much I can say or do to ease this heartache for my kids (or myself), but I (very often) remind them:

“Had we not moved here, we would have never met our wonderful friends and had all this fun. So just think about who is waiting for us at our next place and how much fuller our lives will be because we get to meet them!”

I’ve said it many times here on the blog before, but I think it’s true for our kids too: this life can be hard, but this life is really good.

Changing houses, changing schools, saying goodbye to friends, living without their belongings between homes, being the new kid…none of it is particular fun. And at times, it can be really hard.

But the frequent moving that comes with Greg’s military career has also shown our kids that there is a big, wide world full of opportunity and adventure out there…and that they are strong and savvy and resilient enough to experience it all!