Coffee Break #66
There’s a certain fear to “throwing something out there,” right? Whether it’s an invitation to coffee, a book club suggestion, or a new community service, there is a vulnerability in saying “What do you all think of this idea?”
For years, I let the fear of being wrong, stupid, silly, or unlikable keep me from ever suggesting anything.
But in recent months, I’ve chosen to stuff that anxiety down and instead speak up, ask the question, or make the suggestion.
And much to my surprise, I’m rarely met with crickets. More often than not…I’m met with “Yes!” “Me too!” “Let’s do it!”
Because I’m not usually the only one feeling the way I’m feeling. I’m not the only one seeing a need or sensing a void or desiring a change.
I suspect most of us feel like we don’t have the time, energy or desire to be “the one” to go out on a limb. But I’m learning that when you do, really (really) good things can happen.
My MO
In general, I don’t tend to be an instigator or stepper-upper.
I’m usually pretty content to let someone else take the lead and will often sit on my hands while someone else reaches out, sets things up, and makes things happen.
To be clear, I don’t mind hopping on the bandwagon or diligently doing the work in the background.
I’m just usually not the one leading the charge.
A Whole New Me?
In recent months, though, I’ve seemingly thrown all caution to the wind and changed course.
I stopped waiting for someone else to take the lead and instead started throwing my ideas out there, saying “Who wants to do this with me?” or “I have an idea” or “Okay, I want to put something on the calendar.”
As a result, I’m now initiating regular social gatherings with a fun group of friends, managing (a fairly complex) high school carpool, co-running the school beach volleyball team, and my husband and I even started a new Cub Scout Pack.
(Yes, at least once a day, I stop and think to myself “Who am I?!?”)
Are my hands suddenly very (very) full? Yes.
Am I more connected, engaged, and fulfilled than I’ve been in a (very) long time? Also yes.
What Changed?
Admittedly, some of these initiatives were born out of necessity.
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I needed carpool help for my high-schooler. And we wanted a different scouting experience for our kids.
But the others? I took them on because I wanted to.
When I (finally) decided to be “the one” to speak up the first time, there was definitely some closing of eyes and holding of breath while I pressed send on a group text.
But the fear and anxiety and embarrassment of having a silly, weird, or stupid idea didn’t last long.
Because as soon as the text string pinged over and over again with positive responses, I learned very quickly that…
- It’s validating to hear that others want the same as you.
- It’s exciting to bring people together with a common goal or shared interest.
- And it’s so darn fulfilling to create something that’s needed by more than just you.
Time and time again now, I’ve learned that I’m rarely, if ever, alone in my thoughts, ideas, struggles, and desires. I suspect that everyone else is just as scared, busy or overwhelmed as I am (was?).
Needing the Village vs. Being the Village
No doubt, there are times in our lives when we need the village to show up for us.
We need someone else to arrange the carpool, we need someone else to be the team mom, we need someone else to make the cute snack sacks, arrange the homecoming photos, lead the scout meeting, or host the gathering.
And it’s okay to show up and be the recipient of that village without guilt or shame or judgement or self loathing.
But when that village isn’t there or isn’t quite meeting your needs, it might be time to stop sitting on your hands and be “the one” who steps up, speaks up, shows up.
I thought that sharing my ideas with those around me would be scary and embarrassing and isolating. And I thought that taking charge would be stressful and burdensome.
It turns out that saying my ideas “out loud” is precisely what helped me find my people, cultivate our village, and provide me with a new sense of purpose.
I never (ever) thought I would be “the one” to break the silence. But I did. Maybe you can too?
Megan
8 Comments on “Coffee Break #66”
“We’re going to need a bigger planner…” {cue Jaws theme music}
This is encouraging to read! Nice work! I’m the opposite: often the one reaching out first, inviting, offering plans, etc. and it can feel surprisingly lonely. Especially at times when I’ve taken a break and it seems like no one steps in or reciprocates. It’s helpful to hear the other perspective (it makes sense!) and I’m so glad you chose to step up! I imagine the folks in your community who typically “go first” are so grateful to feel like they’re included even when they aren’t being “the one”. I hope it’s a great season for you!
Very true. I’ve been trying (very hard) to sit on my hands and not be the one in charge. But it seems I have opinions…. and ideas….
Megan,
Thank you for this post. It was very inspiring and timely for me. I’ve had a few things mulling around in my head that I would need to reach out to other people to accomplish. Like you, I’ve been afraid of being laughed at or thought of as weird. Now I see that I have nothing to lose. If everyone says no, I’ll simply be in the same place I am now. And it sounds like there’s a good chance others are thinking of doing the same things. They’re just waiting for someone else to start.
My husband and I, both in our 80’s, are moving to a 55+ rental in a couple of weeks. Your moving tips have been invaluable. I plan to organize my new space with tips from your blog, and I thank you! I also need a community and your inspiration is the nudge I need to initiate some getting acquainted activities in our new complex with potential friends. I want you to know that your blog is not just for young families, but is pertinent to older adults maintaining a home as well.
Good for you! It really is scary to step up and do what you did, I’m so happy you received the great reactions from the other moms! I also signed up for the pod casts on Sept 14!
I agree with being the one to step up and organize and plan things. However when it then becomes dependent on you, as I am somewhat of an introvert, it gets to be a little much. Sometimes I just wish one in my village would step up and plan. I would sometimes like to be the one who says tell me where to be and when to be there.
This season in my life is not about taking charge, but about helping when I am given an assignment. I cannot take on more than I already have. There will be a time when I can take on more, with intentional effort to form groups of like-minded people. Until then, I am forever grateful for friends like you who work hard to keep me in the group. You are doing amazing things.